Death. A Portrait in Melodrama.

My oldest is a junior in high school.

Right now he's in the process of going on college tours, attending college fairs, getting counselled on all things college from the school counsellor, and making one last desperate effort at pulling his GPA up out of the toilet where it has been residing since he started his freshman year.

And it's all very exciting, to be sure. Just as I looked forward to when he would take his first step, say his first word, so I anticipate this time in his life when he will move out on his own and become a fledgling adult.

But at the same time? I feel
and this is oh so embarrassing
like I'm facing his death.

Ohhhhhh, the melodrama. It's oozing out my ears and dripping from my fingertips.

But it's true, I tell you!

This child turned us into parents.

For the last 17 years he has been front and center in our lives day after ever-loving day. And now, soon,

he won't.

Does that sound weird to anyone but me?

He won't be in my house when I wake up every morning. He won't be there when I turn in for the night.

He won't be there.

And I can't seem to wrap my head around these conflicting emotions:

Glad for him to be moving on to the next phase of his life (nice and normal)
Devastated that he won't be part of the everyday fabric of my life (completely Psycho crazy of me).

So. How do you think I will handle it when we actually drop him off at his dorm next year? Will I....

a) Give him a civil kiss on the cheek and turn and walk to the car as if all is perfectly normal?

or b) Fling myself at his knees and wail and cry like a banshee, demanding that he explain to me how he can DO this to his mother?????

Lord help that boy....







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