Dear Mr. Clooney,

Dear Mr. Clooney,

It has come to my attention that you and Miss Stacy Keibler have parted ways.
Such sad news.

But time heals all wounds, as they say. Take a little down time in your villa and be sure to engage in some fun activities to get your mind off your heartbreak.

Then, when you're ready (and only when you're truly ready), jump back into the dating game.

Although I am protective of my little sister Mary Birdsong, I do approve of you as a would-be suitor, so feel free to call on her.

Since you worked with her on The Descendants, I'm sure you already have her contact information, but if you've lost it, please feel free to email me and I'll get that to you (farmbeachgal@yahoo.com).

Might I remind you that you have several things in common? You've both lived in Kentucky, you're both actors who have a great sense of humor. You can both do impressions. You're both Democrats, you're Irish/German/English, Catholic, you were born in the same decade, the list goes on. I mean honestly, you were made for each other.

Plus she's cute as a button, see?


Image source

and you're just handsome as all get out and I have a huge crush on you myself but my husband won't give me a celebrity pass.

And just think, if you went out with my sister, and things ended in matrimony, you would get me as your sister-in-law, and my six kids would be your ready-made nieces and nephews. Fun, right?

You could come visit us on the farm sometimes. You could go fishing in our pond. Only watch where you step because you know we never rebuilt that spillway very well and we wouldn't want you twisting an ankle where it's all eroded.

You could gather eggs in the barn, wouldn't that be quaint? Just keep your eye open for rats. And manure. You probably wear expensive shoes, so be careful, I wouldn't want you to ruin them.

Maybe you would be better off swimming in our pool. It's one of them fancy in-ground ones. A "see-ment pond", as Ellie May used to say. Just give us a little warning so I can get the kids to clean it. It's been known to get murky if we don't stay on top of it. And it sometimes has frogs in it, so we'll pick them out ahead of time if you just give us a little notice.

It'll be just like spending down time in your villa.  Except we don't have any servants or anything and there's a lot of screaming and yelling and crying all the time and there's dog hair in every corner and sometimes really gross stuff gets tracked in the house on peoples' boots and there's a lot of dogs barking and tripping you up and there are a few temper holes in the walls and like I said we have frogs in our pool and you've probably never been swimming in a pool that had frogs in it.

But other than that, you won't know the difference.

So yeah....

Mary Birdsong.  She's for you.



Most sincerely,
Your future sister-in-law,

Anne







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