Dear Hollywood Folk That Are Staying At Our House Filming a Show While We Are On Vacation,
Here is a list of things you will need to take care of in our absence:
1) Put our farm dog Annabelle in the barn every evening. She is 110 lbs of muscle and slobber and fur and dewclaws. Watch she doesn't lick you to death.
2) Every morning, let her back out. See warning, above.
3) Feed and water the rabbits in the barn. Keep a sharp lookout for rats. They are watching you and taking notes and just waiting for you to slip up.
4) Feed and water the chickens, and gather the eggs. Do not take your eyes off the spawn of Satan rooster, Big Daddy. He will take you down. He will take you down to Chinatown.
5) Feed and water the cats. Remain vigilant, as they have been waiting for an opportunity to stage a coup.
6) Feed and water the housedogs. You can turn to them as allies if the cats stage an uprising. They won't be of much use, but at least you can say you have allies and that will give you a semblance of security, even if it's a false one.
7) Feed and water the hermit crabs and the hamster and the frog and the cockatiel. They will likely bang their tin cups against the bars of their cages in the event the coup goes down, but they're all talk and no action, so don't let their noise throw you.
Now, as far as food disposal. Don't throw anything out! Throw your apple cores and banana peels over the deck rail for the goats, no peach or cherry pits to them,
old lunchmeat, leftover stew and soup, steak and burger scraps, all that kind of stuff, put in a big bowl for Annabelle, lettuce and carrot scraps save for the rabbits,
for the chickens, here's what I need you to do....crusts and heels of bread, save in a bag for the chickens, you can also give them yogurt and pasta and rice and.....
Wait, where are you going? It's not that complicated, I swear! Come back! We want to go on vacation!