Thursday, March 22, 2012

I Am My Mother. And....

We've all done it.

"Don't run with scissors!"
And you clap your hand over your mouth the instant the words are out.

You have become your mother.

I knew it had happened to me when I told one of my kids to be sure they were wearing clean underwear in case they got hit by a truck.

What the...?

Upon further reflection, however, I've come to realize I have become not just my mother, but many women.

Remember watching the movie Sybil when you were a kid? How Sally Field had a couple dozen "personalities" living inside her, each coming out when he or she was most needed? Well, same thing here. Not to disrespect those suffering the affliction of Multiple Personality Disorder. I'm just sayin', many hands make light work of this parenting game.

Most of the personalitites I channel are Moms from TV or the movies. Some are not even Moms, but I still need them. I pull them out of my neurological wallet and channel them as the situation mandates.

I've compiled a list of those women, and I share it with you here....


1) Martha Stewart
I call on Martha anytime one of my kids has a school project due in 12 hours. With her composed assistance I am able to procure styrofoam balls, hot glue, and sequins from me arse, and help them to craft a Nobel-worthy creation.










2) Carol Brady
There's nothing about her I really need. I'll admit it: I'm jealous. She is a stay-at-home Mom of six (check) with a handsome, professional husband and a lovely home (check) with full-time domestic help (no check). I want an Alice! If I had an Alice I could float through the house with perfect make-up, nails and dress, while Alice took care of the cooking and cleaning so I could tend to Marsha's broken nose or try to discern if Greg is telling the truth about those cigarettes in his pocket.
My right arm for an Alice. My firstborn for an Alice. Seriously. Someone get me an Alice.





3) Gloria Pritchett (from Modern Family)
I wah uh kih-er bah-ee.
Sorry, I was eating a Ring Ding. Lemme try again:
I want a killer body.












4) Minnie (from The Help)
With a can of Crsico in hand, Minnie could rule the world. She could fry up a chicken, get a tangle out of someone's hair, and quiet that squeaky hinge.













5) Roseanne Connor
I sometimes need Roseanne's tell-it-like-it-is mouth, with no PC filter. Problem is, she usually shows up late and I end up telling someone off in my head on the drive home. We need to work on coordinating our timing.









6) Nurse Ratched (from One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest)
OK, not a Mom, but nevertheless. I want her cool, quiet, composure while all hell is breaking loose around her.
"Mr. Cheswick, sit down. I will answer your question when you are calm. Are you calm now, Mr. Cheswick?"







7) Shirley Partridge
I need her when it's time to get all the kids someplace. Now, the psychadelic bus helps, to be sure, but anyone who can get five kids out the door and to a gig on time has got my vote for having it all together. Plus, she can solve any of the kid's problems by singing a song. Nice, as abilities go.





8) Morticia Addams
Let's face it, she looks fabulous in black, and she runs her family smoothly, all while keeping just enough of a kooky edge about the place. Non-conformity rules!










9) Ree Drummond. Aka The Pioneer Woman. Aka PW.
Who wouldn't want a healthy dose of Ree in her mental make-up? She's the effortless homeschooling mother of four little ranch-hands and the adorable wife to one gorgeous hunk of cowboy. She writes, she cooks, she makes it all look easy. When she comes out in me, she makes me chocolate sheet cake and iced coffee in a mason jar and I love her.












Oh dear. What is this? I only have nine women on my list and that's just all lopsided and uneven and yucky. Someone please! Suggest a 10th for me. I must have 10 women in my multiple personalities file. Otherwise my OCD will throw a tantrum.











Please vote for my blog on this TMB site. Regardless of how many personalities you may have, I only need one little vote (per day). Thanks!
Just Click To Send A Vote For Us @ Top Mommy Blogs


Images courtesy: wikipedia.org, tvacres.com, eons.com, dunderbrain.wordpress.com, blackactors.net, ugo.com, trishacausley.com, reedrummond.com, imdb.com

104 comments:

  1. I would like to apply for the job of Alice. No first born necessary:-)

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  2. The job is yours. No resume neccessary. Starts immediately.

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  3. Anne - what about Mother Theresa? I know her standards are impossibly high (and no she wasn't a mother - technically) but every once in a while we all have to reach for the stars....after finishing the 4th load of laundry for the morning, dropping off the last kid to the first round of activities of the day and making the 3rd trip to the store for something else you forgot.

    Just a thought!
    Lou Ann

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  4. Great suggestion, Lou Ann. I need her when I need the patience to not blow my stack!

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    1. I agree with Lou Ann! Mother Theresa!

      Great post and choices Anne!

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  5. Great post, Anne! I shared it on Twitter. Great #MNINB call to action, btw.

    May I suggest there is probably a Grandmother somewhere that you channel on occasion? My inner Grandma helps with everything from "Knead that bread a little longer, Dear" to "Let's sit and smell the roses" and "In MY DAY..." Gotta love the Grans!

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  6. I remember being sick one day when I was in High school and they were showing Sybil on TBS. Naturally, they broke it into two parts. Naturally this was before the VCR. And I just HAD to stay home from school the next day to catch the ending :-)

    Martha Stewart never listens when I try to channel her. But I like to think I might find a little Claire Huxtable :-)

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  7. Definitely need that grandmother, GoingVeggie! Thanks....

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  8. I think it ate my first comment, but if it went into moderation then disregard this one. My recommendation would be Frankie from "The Middle" but that is because she is my FAVORITE TV mom of all time. Love her! Great post! Can't wait to check out more of your blog! :)

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  9. LOVE Frankie, Doseofrality. Love her energy, and wish I had some of it! Thanks for stopping by!

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  10. @Keys, love how you said Martha doesn't "listen" to you. That would be just like her, wouldn't it? Claire H - great choice!

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  11. Anne, I love this post and can totally relate! I wouldn't mind channeling Angelina Jolie every once in awhile. She gets to end each day with Brad Pitt, just sayin! ;)

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  12. I thought I already posted, but it didn't show, so I'll say it again: #10 should, obviously, be you! :) Stopping by from the spring fling!

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  13. I personally love Martha. "Stopping by from SITS". www.callias-corner.com

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  14. @ Sara: ending the day with Brad Pitt. Mmmmmm. I'm sorry, what were we talking about?

    @Lyd Rich: WooHoo! Way to butter my toast. i love it! Thanks....

    @Michelle: I love Martha, too. Shhh, don't tell....

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  15. You know, I have a pillow I got for mother's day many moons ago from my son. It say's "Mirror, Mirror on the wall. I have become my mother after all.

    I see my mom and my grandmother in me. I am trying to cultivate the qualitly of not saying bad things about people from my great grand mother.

    And one of the TV moms you left out was Dr. Quinn: Medicine Woman aka Jane Seymore. Dr. Quinn was capable, could stand under pressure and spoke her own mind. Now those are qualities we all should aspire to.

    Love this post.

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  16. Yes, Carla, Dr. Quinn, for sure. Great qualities!

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  17. Love this post!! Started writing something similar for my Mother's Day post! Thanks for the inspiration! XOXO

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  18. I would kill for an Alice too. What service did Carol Brady use to find her? I vote for Grandma from the Beverley Hillbillies. Told it like it is, hit with a frying pan if needed, and kept true to herself always.

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  19. Oh. My. Gosh. I loved this post!!

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  20. Great post! I always loved Claire Huxtable from Cosby Show.

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  21. Kristine, Jessica Anne, Ashley, and FBS, thanks all for stopping by! Jessica, I loved your suggestion of Granny!

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  22. Claire Huxtable! Perfect! Haha! I wish I could channel a man from time to time - someone as kind, calm, and creative as Fred Rogers or someone as scientifically gifted as Bil Nye the science guy or Alton Brown!

    visiting from SITS (and, as the terminator said, "I'll be back!")

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  23. What a fun post! Great to "meet" you Anne :)

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  24. This is so me too: Problem is, she usually shows up late and I end up telling someone off in my head on the drive home. We need to work on coordinating our timing.
    Wish I could solve that problem!

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  25. ...and Samantha Stevens, because who wouldn't want to be able to wiggle her nose and make things happen?! Loved this post!

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  26. I don't watch enough TV. I'll go with Elizabeth Montgomery, but I'm totally stealing from the commenter above me. I totally understand about alter egos, for all your living needs. I have three - Jester Queen writes my blog, The Biatch (um, I spell that right on my blog, but want to not offend people in your comments!) is self explanatory, and Madame Syntax has a coronary over bad grammar that I don't consider problematic.For example, Madame S is annoyed with me for misspelling a swear word up there and absolutely requires the disclaimer.

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  27. Lorelei Gilmore (aka Lauren Graham) from Gilmore Girls. She's so fun, witty, and quirky! Or maybe Marge Simpson... her hair has such amazing volume, and she almost never gets frazzled, even with Homer and Bart under her roof :)

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  28. Anne, It's too early for me to think of a 10th but you have some great suggestions from others. I thoroughly enjoyed this post and your writing "voice".

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  29. I wish I could add some high-fashion to my mom routine. Like Posh-Spice walking around with 6" heels carrying her equally impeccably dressed toddler. Im lucky if I can put on jeans and my daughter's shoes don't clash with the marker stains on her play clothes.

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  30. Love the post Anne. Nice meeting you from the SITS Girls Spring Fling. I'm definitely a Morticia kind of Mom most days. I think my favorite Mom on TV is Kitty Foreman from That 70's Show.

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  31. Wow, have I fallen behind my commenters. Sorry guys! These darn kids...
    @Audra: LOVE the idea of channeling Mr. Rogers. I wonder what a baby from him and Nurse Ratched would be like?
    @Diane and Beverly: Thanks, girls!
    @Anna: If only we could figure that one out!
    @Jamie: I've gotta keep working on getting my nose to twitch.
    @JQ: HA! Love all your "bloginalities!"
    @Lindsay: I should get my hair done like Marge just to freak my kids out. Maybe someday if I have to pick them up from school....
    @Kelly: I don't care so much about the fashion, but waking up next to Beckham? Hmmmm....
    @Andie: I kind of have a love/hate realtionship with her, myself....
    @Sue: Thanks. Kitty is the best, isn't she?

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  32. your newest follower, stopping by from SITS girls and I think I had read your post on Scary Mommy.

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  33. Wow, Motivated, good memory! Yeah, that was me. Thanks for stopping by! I'm new to SITS, but I'm enjoying all the connections!

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  34. HA! HA! I love this post. I needed a laugh for Friday. My favorite was Rosanne!

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  35. Love the Pioneer Woman! She always seems so positive.

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  36. Great post, Anne. Thanks for directing me to it!

    I would suggest Marge Simpson. How has she not gone on a murderous rampage in that house?

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  37. Love this! Thanks for finding me on SITS! Do you have a facebook page? Tried to find you, but the link brought me here :)
    Andrea

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  38. Ack, I'm falling behind my commenters, again!

    @HSN: I agree, in this PC world, we all need more Roseanne!
    @Shari Lynne: Blessings back atcha!
    @KalynBrooke: I LOVE PW. I need her in my life.
    @Diana and Andrea: thanks, ladies! And here's my FB link: http://www.facebook.com/AnneKimballHome?notif_t=fbpage_fan_invite
    @Nicole (bowing down): Thanks! Good question about Marge. I would have gone on that rampage lonnnnng ago in that house.

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  39. How about the mother from Malcolm in the Middle. She doesn't take any guff. I wouldn't mess with her!

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  40. LOL...what a fun post (and I agree with almost all of them too)! I love your humor!

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  41. @Marcy: Great suggestion! I definitely need her...
    @Brandie: Thanks! SO glad you could stop in....

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  42. This is hilarious. I need an Alice too!

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  43. Oh I am in love with this post, but, you forgot one thing about Morticia...she drove her husband wild! We all want to know we can still do that, right? ;-)

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  44. @Another Jennifer: Don't we all....?
    @Sweet Jeanette: Omg, I forgot all about that! Yes, absolutely a great quality. And so endearing, now that I'm thinking back on it. Thanks!

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  45. Oh yes! The Pioneer Woman got me hooked on Monkey Bread. It's bad!

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  46. She is very, very bad, Pamela. In a most excellent way!

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  47. Hi and thanks for "liking" Will Blog for Beauty on Facebook!

    xo Kristle

    http://www.willblogforbeauty.com

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  48. That's it... i knew I had read this post before but couldn't figure out why I never commented. That is, if it was on Scary Mommy, or I'm having a deja vu moment. ;) I love it. I, too, would love an Alice. I think Mrs. Huxtable was a great mom too... firm yet she had a wicked sense of humour when it came to teaching her kids a life lesson. ;)

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  49. This is a GREAT post and I have to past it on!

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  50. @Kristle: Thanks for stopping by!
    @Zeemaid: No deja vu - I was on Scary Mommy, you pegged it! And you're right, Claire H was awesome...
    @Jamie: Thanks so much for stopping in and for passing on!

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  51. Hiya Anne! Omigosh... What an awesome post. I channel some of them mothers too. Unfortunately the killer body part is still hidden. Deep inside. But it is there somewhere. I know it.

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  52. wonderful and hilarious.

    i want an alice and i don't even have kids

    How about Tara from The United States of Tara. She comes prepackaged with a dozen more including kids, teens and men most of whom take no prisoners and like Rosanne and Malcom's mom have uninhibited tongues.

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  53. @ San: haha! Deep, deep inside!
    @Joy Renee: I don't know US of Tara. I'll have to look her up. Def need that "uninhibited tongue" sometimes!

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  54. Thanks for stopping by my blog! Glad to connect with all my SITS-tahs : )

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  55. @Leah: And thanks for stopping by mine!

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  56. What a great post! I love the pictures you added, they bring back such wonderful memories.

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  57. Great post! My favorite is Clair Huxtable (Felicia Rashaad)

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  58. @Michelle: Thanks! Glad you were able to stop by.
    @Weather: Claire is a great choice! Thanks for visiting!

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  59. Anne,
    Loved your post. I laughed all the way through it. I too have become my mother (my husband actually warns her to go back inside sometimes...
    ) and I couldn't be prouder. I have to agree with Weather Anchor Mana in suggesting # 10, when I am at my TV mothering, flawless best, I too channel Claire Huxtable, from The Cosby Show. She's informed some of my best moments ever!
    You've got a new follower. Thanks to SITS for bringing you to me, and thanks to you for liking my page. I've got a lot to learn from experienced bloggers. I'll be back.
    Peace and good.

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  60. Those are all great woman that could come out in me any day as well!

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  61. Such a fun post!!! what about maybe Jenny at The Bloggess??? she's kooky and goofy and so very real at times...just a thought thought to me, it looks like you've got it all together here!!!

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  62. Hi Anne! I saw you friended our page on facebook and came over to check yours out. Honestly, I LOVE IT and LOVE this post. You are awesome, I love your style, the way you write with such ease, openness, dry wit and humor...so glad I stopped by. I was laughing out loud but can definitely relate. I think you need one in there that lets you just go bat wild, totally crazy...let your hair down and not care about anything but you!! An "All about Anne" type moment, you need those too!! I'll be back soon, Xoxo for now, Kate!!

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  63. @Beloved: So glad to have you aboard, thanks for following! I love that your husband "warns your mother to get back inside", lol!
    @April: Thanks for coming by!
    @Jennifer: Oh, how I would love to channel Jenny! I only just started following her and now she's my idol!

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  64. @Kate: Anyone have a ball pump I can deflate my head with? Thanks a million for stopping by, for stroking my ego. And you're right, I need to figure out that 10th that will let me not care about anything other than what I need!

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  65. I have never thought about it like this, but think you are quite right, we do in fact have many personalities as a Mother! While I try very hard NOT to be like my Mother in most incidences, I do find myself acting very much like my beloved Grandmother.

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  66. Love it! You are so funny. What a great post!

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  67. @Kim: It seems most think it OK to channel their grandmothers, but not their mothers. I wonder if our kids will feel the same?
    @Debi: Thanks! So glad you could stop by!

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  68. I just was able to finally access your message on my FB page - thanks for stopping by and saying hi!

    I loved this post - definitely a great read, and so insanely true. I feel like I'm five women at any given time on most days, but really need to harness Nurse Rachett, since her calmness is the most useful for me!

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  69. New follower, both here and on FB!

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  70. @B: So glad to have you come on by! I'm with you, I'm a bigtime Nurse Ratched fan, and I DEFinitely need her calmness in the midst of chaos!

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  71. Hi, Anne!
    I just slipped over from my FB Page (Donna Perugini Books) where you left a message. Love your blog and the fun you inspire! I personally love the women in movies and on TV that can swing their legs around like lethal weapons to overcome the bad guys. One we just saw was Jennifer Garner as Electra. I don't endorse the 'blow fish lips' but the way she took care of business was fantastic. All I need are a few lessons and I'm sure I can do the same. Expect to see me fill the role as her grandmother who can still take down a purse thief in the grocery store and then shop for the groceries she came to buy. (You'd have to read the post to see how I really did it!)

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  72. Love your blog! Glad we connected over SITS!

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  73. @Donna: Thanks for coming by! I love it -- the grandmother taking down the thief. Ha!
    @Stephanie: Thanks! Go SITS!

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  74. Fantastic post! Love it. I somehow can't think of another mother though...

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  75. Oh, I am racking my brain for a good one kooky enough to be on your list... I'll get back to ya.

    Aloha,
    Thanks for visiting me on fb. Following ya here now and loving it maybe 'cause I can completely relate...

    We're spending the day with friends this wordless wednesday and every one to follow. Come pull up a chair grab a cup of something warm and yummy and bask in the light of a beautiful group of women who are on this journey with ya. I so love that we get to be SITS sisters.

    Seriously, come over, anytime.

    xo,
    Nicole
    localsugarhawaii.com

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  76. I want Michele Pfeiffer's purse in One Fine Day. She has EVERYTHING in there. Talk about prepared! Can she be in my head?

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  77. Love this Anne. I agree with harper you also need Michele Pfeiffer's purse. Great Halloween costume ever made in under 3 minutes!

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  78. @Gabrielle, Nicole, Fawn, Harper, Debbie, and Cynthia: Sorry for the late reply. Thanks for stopping by and for chiming in! Hope to see you back again soon!

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  79. Hi! So glad I checked out your blog! I love this post! Hilarious! What about Claire from the Cosby Show...she was a professional, successful, great mom, pretty..great little package :) From Jenny @ www.cassandrazcorner.blogspot.com

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    1. Claire is a great addition to the list. She had it all, didn't she, Jenny? Thanks so much for stopping by and for commenting!

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  80. What a great post! New follower...sharing this on my fb page! So funny about the Ring Ding HAHA!

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    1. Awesome, Barbara, I just LOVE being shared. I'm like a tramp that way. Thanks so much for the follow!

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  81. hehe - what a great reason to wear clear underwear!!!

    Brie @ Breezy Pink Daisies

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    1. Brie, pls tell me you used to get that from your Mom, too....

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  82. I love Ree! She makes it all looks so easy. Every time we go down to the farm I think "I am going to be Ree. 3 home cooked meals delivered to the hubs and dad and the caretaker in a beautiful creative basket." then I take a nap or get distracted by the cute new baby cows and it never works. Ree has it all together

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    Replies
    1. Omg, Mallory, that got me to chuckling! You are too funny. We are very much alike, I fear.
      LOVE your name! Sounds like a storybook character.
      Thanks for stopping by!

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  83. Grandma Walton is my vote. She's one tough cookie! I love Livvie Walton too. :) Great Post!

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  84. Really enjoyed this post! I do find that I have become my mother often...

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  85. Great post!

    I found my mother in myself especially in punishments. "Do you want something to cry about?" Thankfully, the answer is always no! It comes out before I even think about it!

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  86. Great post! Thanks for sharing.

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  87. I LOVE and I mean LOVE this post!!! I'm so glad you found me on the blog hop. I have followed you every way possible. I will definitely be back for more f your wonderful writing.

    As far as the other Mom..what about the one from 7th Heaven?? (I'm drawing a blank on her name right this second.) She was a wonderful wife, mother and friend througout the whole series. She was definitely funny when she was pregnant. :)

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  88. So glad I stopped by your blog! :) Love this! I'm excited to be a new follower!

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  89. Wow, am I behind on my replies, or what?! Let me catch up here...
    @Kathy: Never thought of Grandma Walton (or Livvie). Perfect!
    @Nancy: haven't we allll been down that road?
    @djgmom: oh, I've used that line a few times in my parenting "career". An oldie but a goodie!
    @Amy: thanks so much!
    @Crystal: I don't believe I know that show, though it sounds familiar. If she was funny, she's got my vote. Thanks for following, I am so glad you're enjoying the blog!
    @Chrissy: Thanks! Very glad to have you along...

    To all: Thanks so much for stopping by! So very glad to have you all here.

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  90. I love this. Oh how I would love to have an Alice, be more like Ree, and the tough soul and sarcasm of Rosie, and the craftiness of Martha. = )

    Thanks for following Dedicated 2 Life.Following you as well. = )

    Irish Carter

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    Replies
    1. Thanks for coming by, Irish! Here's to both of us finding all the right Moms within us!

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  91. Isn't Gloria just great :) Love her! I recently gave up my full time domestic - I actually don't really miss her - I would LOVE a chauffeur though to do all the afternoon riding around with the kids!!

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  92. How about Donna Reed or Harriet Nelson? They kept the house running smoothly, dinner on the table with everyone sitting at the table (mine sit in the living room...not an easy feat to get them at the table). Oh and they did all this wearing lovely dresses and pearls. They always had perfect advice for their children and I don't ever remember them having a hair out of place or a raised voice.

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  93. Hi Laura and Stacee, thanks for chiming in! Great input. I'll take Donna Reed AND the chauffeur!

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