life on the funny farm

Saturday, May 26, 2012

LOL Lunch Date

Every now and again, Fred has a day off, and the stars and our schedules align such that we can have a lunch date.
When this happens, we generally go to the same spot we go to every time: an upscale pizza place. I say upscale because it has art on its walls. The art is all themed on boldly-colored cows, but it is art, nonetheless.

A mere two days before our last lunch outing, however, I had read in the community paper that a nearby restaurant had changed owners, and it now boasted a more modern menu and user-friendly hours. I pressed my case for a change in pace….

Me: I know they used to be only open for brunch after church, but now they’re serving 3 meals a day!

Fred: Weekdays, too?

Me: Yes, weekdays, too. Let’s check it out, because it could be someplace great that we could take the kids once in a while for dinner. Family friendly, local, good food, should be perfect!

Fred: Sigh (meaning yes).

We arrived.

Me: See? Isn’t it adorable?!

Fred: Yes. ‘Adorable’ is just the word I was searching for.

As we were wlaking in, we spotted a white bus in the parking lot. Ruh-roh. It had “day trip” written all over it.

We walked into the diner just in time to see the tail end of a group of seniors shuffling their way with their walkers and quad canes to the last of the tables.

Waitress: I’m sorry, we don’t have any more tables. You could sit at the counter, or…..
The booth.

Me: Oooh, I love booths. We’ll take that.

She looked at me in a “you don’t come here often” kinda way, and then led us to our table.
The seat of the booth was at least 3 feet off the ground. Fred and I pulled the table away from the bench, stepped up on the foot bar/stepstool, hoisted ourselves up onto our seat, and pulled the table back in, our feet swinging freely beneath us like we were a couple of Kindergarteners. There was no seating on the opposite side of the table, so we sat shoulder-to-shoulder, like passengers on a train.

Aloft on our perch, we glanced around and beamed at our Kingdom of the Elderly spread before us, seated at their little tables.

Fred: Does a scepter come with our meal, because how am I to be expected to rule my Kingdom without one?

The driver of the senior bus, a little man who bore a striking resemblance to Dobby the House Elf, was stowing away all the walking paraphenalia in the coat cubby to my left, when one of the fold-up walkers swung out unexpectedly and hit the lever on the fire alarm box.

We laughed at the shrill beeping and flashing lights that ensued. What an amusing little anecdote we would have to share with the children later. We soon sobered, however, when it seemed no amount of fussing with the alarm box, or phone calls to the powers that be, or surly looks from the owner, could shut the thing down. Every few minutes, the pattern of the beeps would change and we would think it was about to stop. Nope. Change pattern, increase in volume, increase the frequency of the flashing lights, but not stop.

Waitress: Can I take your order?

Me: Yes, I’d like the Angus burger, well-done, with some mayo on the side, and the sweet potato fries instead of the regular.

Waitress: I’m sorry?

Me: The Angus burger? Well-done? With…

Waitress: I CAN'T HEAR YOU!


Waitress: And you, sir?

Fred made his dietary needs known with a series of gestures and hand signals and grunts that would have made Nell proud.

At the next round of volume/frequency increases, I finally had to cover my ears when the decibel level reached eardrum-bursting stage. I noticed all the little old people were sticking their fingers in their ears, too. Fred wasn’t. Glad he doesn’t have hearing loss or anything. Ahem.

The rest of our conversation took place by screaming in each other's ears like we were a couple of 20-something clubbers.

Fred: Why do I feel like at any minute, Charlton Heston is going to burst through that door, screaming, "Soylent Green is people!"(spoiler alert)

Me: Hand me that spoon, I think I'm about to have a seizure.

Fred: I've got a strange feeling that these folks are bussed in, and fed a decent meal...

Me: ...And they never leave!

Fred: Do you think if I pull this wall-sconce forward, our booth would swivel around on its axis and we would suddenly be on the other side of this wall?

Me: Yes! Maybe we're the new foremen of the Soylent Green operation. This booth is our foreman's platform so we can survey the floor.

Fred: Perhaps some dentures fell into the gears of the conveyor belt and it's up to us to resolve the problem...

Me: ...and save humanity!

Just then, the beeps and flashing lights abruptly stopped. Just as suddenly, we had nothing more to say to each other.

We ate in golden silence for a few minutes, and then I said,

Me: See? Aren't you glad we tried someplace new?

Thanks for stopping in!


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  1. Okay, you are too funny! I love this story...

  2. @MamaHen, thanks! Glad you liked....

  3. I am beyond cracking up...LOL...this was so friekin HI-LARIOUS!! I could so picture the older people and you guys. To me the funniest part is you stayed. we would have so left after about a minute of the noise. I hate going out to eat as it is....This would have thrown my husband into a panic that he would never again eat out with me for the remainder of our lives...I would have been like "take me home"..Seriously I was cracking up and I had zero clue to any of the refernces you were making...


  4. @Liz, haha! I honestly couldn't tell you why we stayed, as we hadn't even ordered yet when the alarms started. I guess we just thought we had a front row seat (or booth) to a live sitcom. The funniest thing is we didn't even get comped a single solitary thing. No free meal, not even a free drink or coupon for next time!

  5. ok..this makes it EVEN funnier!!!!!!! They didn't even offer you a free dessert? Are u ever going back? Was the food good? That is the part I was laughing the most at...when you proceeded to order. I was like "oh my goodness,...they hadn't even ordered yet??" It reminded me for some very odd reason of mu father in law...he was/is an engineer and he would probably have just pointed to the menu and turned his hearing aide mother in law would have been out of her mind...they are much older than you and your dear, but it for some reason popped in my head since they eat out far too much and always have stories...

    I would have so refused to pay..I would have said they were under new management etc...this was your first time...I mean you didn't get the experience you had minimally hoped for..oh

    Still the story you told...priceless!


  6. Unfortunately, Liz, the food was really good. Which means we may just have to go back, as we don't have too many choices out here in the boondocks. Hey, an experience like that makes life a little richer, right? Glad you enjoyed, thanks for your great comments!

  7. LOVED it! As a new reader, I will def be back :D

    {Sugar in My Grits}

  8. Jessica, thanks! So glad you stopped by and enjoyed the story. Hope to see you back again soon!

  9. That little whippersnapper setting off that alarm!!!! Those seniors probably barely heard a thing.

  10. JKIRF, it was so loud, even those seniors were plugging their ears up!

  11. Hahaha VERY funny! I'm stopping by from the Tuesday Archive Link UP and am now a new follower:) Would love if you could follow back when you get a chance;)

  12. Following back, Brooke, thanks for stopping by and for following!

  13. Stopping in for the first time through the link-up via Debbie at Wrinkled Mommy. I'm so programmed for specifically following food blogs that I'm realizing in visiting all these new blogs what I've been missing. I was cracking up as I read this story, and before I even got to all the caps and bold, I was reading really LOUD in my head LOL. I'll be curious to hear if Fred ever dates step foot in there again or has been scared off for good. ;)

  14. hahahaha - oh my word this was hilarious!

  15. OMG! Hilarious! Thank you for the many laughs :-D

  16. @Chris: See? Even in branching out to non=food blogs, you were still reading about food. And btw? THE ANGUS BURGER WAS REALLY GOOD!!!
    @Debbie: Glad you liked! Thanks for hosting the link-up!
    @Dariel Raye: You are most sincerely welcome. Thanks for coming by!!!!

  17. What a great story I felt like I was there! I love trying new things, and yes sometimes the experience turns out to be less than stellar but you clearly made the best of it. Thanks for the great read!



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